Updated: Sep 25
2020. Just wow. Everything is topsy turvy, nothing makes sense and we frantically try to grasp at any and all things familiar. Life is not right, obvious division had made itself known, and we all just stand here with our mouths agape wondering what in the holy hell is going on. It feels a little bit like we are in a simulation and someone is pushing buttons just to see what might happen if this button is pushed, or that button. It is now in late September that I find myself, after a very busy first season of flower farming, taking a breath and stepping back to survey the damage. First, let me take you back. Back a few years when I shut off my feelings for growth of spirit.
The last 6 years of my life has been a series of exploring different avenues of growth.
Constant searching through so many different places for the right path. I am so concerned with my souls growth that I am constantly looking for signs. Back in 2013 I completed my yoga teacher training with an emphasis on pre and post natal mamas. Helping mothers through this transition from maiden to mother seemed the most fluid to me. Then I became a tired mother myself. Shit got real. My life turned upside down. I tried to hold onto my own individuality while still finding the new me as a mother. I became consumed with my baby. I did everything for her, not much for myself other than maintaining my yoga and meditation practice. That also slowly dwindled.
I eventually came to a place of anger with spirit. All this time of growth, all the training, seminars and money spent to find a way to connect myself with the world, do good for our mother earth and nourish my soul into progress towards enlightenment in another life...I put it all angrily to bed. I stuffed it in a box and refused to open it for almost 3 years.
We got busy, we kept moving forward in ways more socially accepted. I kept everything boxed up and rolled my eyes at any mention of energy, or spirit. My whole being was working against me. There was always a constant pull from mother earth. I was not living my true self. I am not an energy to remain bottled up. Little did I know that in my search for financial freedom and re-finding myself after now 2 children being brought into the world, I would being to find my purpose. My first and foremost purpose in this life is to raise kind people. My littles are absolutely the most important thing in my life. My dedication to raise them into people of understanding, full of compassion and empathy, bravery and strength is always at the forefront of my mind. I was ready to birth the next piece of my life along with raising my babies.
FLOWER FARM BEGINNING
I birthed the flower farm in the fall of 2019. Alongside my very supportive husband, we sold our dream home in search for a better water situation and more usable land. We found a very cute place centrally located to start our journey. This plan had been in the back of our minds for nearly 7 years. FINALLY we were putting plants in the ground and beginning our journey towards a better more grounded life. So much promise and excitement for the 2020 season. We put in perennials and invested heavily in education and farm supplies to help us succeed. Including a small flock of Scottish blackface sheep to start my dream of breeding up to get Valais Blacknose sheep.
Then 2020 hit. Things look beautiful until the season starts. First we get hail knocking out several early crops, late frost knocking out a few more, then massive pest and squirrel pressure wiping out most of our first succession of seedlings. Out of 6 ewes, only 1 ended up pregnant. She was pregnant with triplets... 1 stillborn and the other 2 incredibly sick. We lose all 3. We are devastated. Luckily we save mama but she is damaged for future breeding. Breathe, just breathe, it can only get better. Pandemic hits, my husband loses his high paying computer job, breathe... Trump is rolling out dumpster fire after dumpster fire.... breathe... just breathe.... Keep going. Field begins to fill in, baby ends up finishing her first year of school at home, we decide to skip doing farmers markets, its just too scary. Pivot... breathe, just breathe.... lets sell wholesale on commission to a local grocery store, farmstands and home goods store. THANKFUL we are selling everything we are pulling from the field...finally some good news. However, we are tanked, just completely exhausted and its only end of june.... breathe, just breathe.... this is harder than I ever could have imagined. Managing the house, 2 kids, a flock of sheep and a 1 acre flower farm. I. am. tired. Keep going.. just breathe.
End of September, we are still in the midst of a pandemic, kids are starting to go back to school, things are more terrifying than ever, my season is beginning to wrap up and now I have to face the facts. I can no longer hold things in the box I put them in 7 years ago. There is something inside of me after this long and exhausting year is bursting to be free. I begin to feel my spirit again, calling me and yearning to be set free. After all of the lives I brought into the world this year, I feel my connection with mother earth more than ever now. I am an advocate for this earth and all her beauty. In practicing sustainable agriculture, and connecting people to her bounty through my flowers I am finding my souls true purpose. I am a nurturer. My soul is only a warrior when it needs to be. Right now our world needs a nurturing warrior. So as I step forward and let my light back out, I begin to reawaken my spirit and heal the wounds on my soul through the beauty and bounty of my flowers. In addition to offering my flowers in cut flower form, I move towards spreading that accessibility to others. My plan to pollinate my community by providing cutting gardens anywhere for anyone is beginning to take shape. In addition to fresh cut, providing uplifting hydrosols, oils and dried herbs to nourish and awaken the soul. My journey is taking me towards living my true life, of spreading my love and light. I have decided to spend my winter months re-engaging my yoga/mediation practice and plan to offer classes next season on the farm. My place is among the flowers and simply sharing my light. Thanks for following along.
-With love and light,